Desiring Something You Don't Want

It's so easy, maybe too easy, to talk when I'm not thinking about it; words, sentences, and stories quickly and without restraint come out of me. Sometimes, I have to think about what to say. Then, I understand how the Buddhist monks do it -- because, it feels like, not even a letter or number comes to mind. There seems to be nothing more difficult in this world than having to think about conversation. I can only assume that people desire to be among others much, seeing all the boring high-effort things they don't care about, they do to achieve it. Perhaps it's easier for them. Or maybe they don't know how to entertain themselves. Occasionally, I also have a desire for social attention. When that happens, I might do something tiresome I don't care about, talking to strangers. And when that's easy, it can be fun, but it quickly reminds me of why I spend so much time alone. It's not that the people are inadequate -- maybe they are, but it's hard to get to know them. No, I'm alone because it costs so much effort to do a tedious task for something I probably wouldn't want anyway.